Wednesday, March 31, 2004

It was Fingerfuck's turn to take naughty Tammy to the zoo. Fingerfuck wisely chose not go by his nick-name when in the company of children, and thankfully none of them figured it out. The details of how he acquired such a title have been known to warp the minds of even the most seasoned sailers and long-term prisoners. So it's for the best really. On this particular day he referred to himself as Norman. Whether this is his real name or not is unknown.

Some may baulk at the idea of giving convicted sex offenders the task of looking after kids, but Norman saw no problem with it. As long as there was elephants for him to look at, the idea of noncery was the last thing on his mind. Besides, this was the first step in his rehabilitation. His entire youth had been spent serving Anti Social Behaviour Orders, so he knew full well to fuck this up at such an early stage would be like shitting on his own doorstep. Needs must.

So the day started well. A slight incident involving a gibbon that looked like the judge who sent Norman down put him in a slight tizzy, but it was nothing a Solero couldn't fix. And yes the sun was shining. The British fascination with eating shit lollies on at the mere glimpse of the sun was alive and well. Tammy seemed most interested in the lions, blissfully unaware that they would eat her in a fucking second if they were to meet in the wild. But how is a child, one whose parents did not want her, supposed to know these things? Judging by his reaction, he thought the snakes were for wankers. At one point he asked Norman where the clowns were, but Norman had to break the news that zoos and circi are completely different things. Completely different.

Later in the day, Norman realised what he had been missing. If he'd spent less time noncing children and more time getting married, he could have his OWN kids and take them to the zoo whenever he wanted. Actually, he need not even be married to do this. He was glad he chose this option as part of his rehabilitation. The alternatives, looking after old people and painting fences, looked feeble.

He bought Tammy a t-shirt with a picture of a rhino dancing on it and they went home. The sun was still shining.


Norman was later sentenced to seven years in Wandsworth Special Unit for serial buggery and underage sex. He also hit a prostitute.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Simon Cowell should be put on the sex offenders' register.

Right, I'm off to Hove where I plan to shout in my sleep.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I'm standing in Sainsburys when I see the lads in front of me (you know the type, pretty-boys who dress like girls but act like men) flicking through a copy of 'Now' that a customer has deposited on the Bueno. Whilst looking at the photos within, one lad says to the other "why do birds like her (refering to a nubile actress) go out with muppets like him (refering to her latest 'squeeze')?"

I want go toe to toe with him and hell him that the reason behind this percieved (in his eyes) mis-match is because her man probably doesn't use the word 'muppet' and doesn't refer to women as 'birds'. But I don't, of course.

Caroline hates buses. But she has to get one to Trafford Park every day. Her ambition is to get her own little wagon (hopefully a Honda), so that she doesn't have to stand in line with the wankers and pay £1.20 for the luxury of sitting close to alcoholics. Or being mentally undressed by the driver. If her plan comes together, she will be able to get her own little car from Reg Vardy for summer. She read an advert for the said company that put forward the virtues of hire-purchase. She saw it is her gateway to amulatory freedom. But this depends on how much overtime she can get. She fucking hates buses.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Deborah has been different since the accident. Four years yesterday that trip to Cheshire Oaks, a place where beautiful people buy beautiful things, turned into a sour incident that lingers on in her poor family's memory to this very day. At first the change seemed subtle, but a mother is never the same after an RTA.

The children noticed it first. That subtle effervesence that used to be recognisable to all & sundry was replaced by a slightly mournful, melancholic grumpiness that sought to turn even the proudest family occasion into a litany of frustration. Indeed, little Sue's wedding day was spoiled by Debs' propensity to take offence; this time the cause of her wrath was a man who looked at her funny in the pub in the pre-ceremony gathering.

Not only was her mind different, but her appearance had also altered. Gone was her proud , if somewhat lesbotic stance and in came a sort of slouch that would make an ape proud. Bizarrely, despite the curvature of her spine her height had shot up to nearly 6ft.

Genius is an over-used word. Incredibly, stupidly, thoughtlessly and spoffingly over-used. I mean, how many true genii have there been?

I should mention here that my dictionary says (or at least seems to say) that the plural of "genius" is "geniuses" if you are talking of 2,3, or 8 of the persons, but "genii" if you are talking of 6,7, or 9. This seems incredible to me. Aside from being totally bizzare, what happens if you want to refer to 4 or twelve geniuses (genii)?

Genius is the most overused word in the english language. Write it down. These days it has become a byword for slightly above barely competant. The fact is that most people are startlingly, almost heroically stupid. They are proud of their stupidity - indeed, they revel in it. They gallop through vast open fields of stupidity like new born lambs in spring. Every other animal on the planet is exactly as intelligent as it needs to be for it's eco-niche. Not so humans - ninety eight percent of us stumble blindly from self induced farce to self induced farce, and never even think about the fact that we all rely on those two percent of the human race who can legitamately be called genius for the bare fact of our survival.

As you can tell, it is something that troubles me. It really bugs me when people refer to Dylan, Wilson, McCartney as geniuses. They're SO not at that level. Not even fucking close. I don't think *anyone* involved in popular music over the last fifty-or-so years comes anywhere near the 'genius' category. There's not many people from any generation that are consistently ground-breaking, particularly when it comes to art and music. To me, a genius is Einstein or Bach. People who have made staggering advances in their particular field, and whose work has stood the test of time. It takes truly world-altering ability to be classified as a genius in my book.

To my mind, genius requires a level of astounding innovation, an ability to break convention in unexpected and unprecedented ways that profoundly affect the work of those who follow them in their field -- and I'd be hard pressed to think of five people in the history of popular music with that kind of impact.

My favorite mockery of the overuse of the word "genius" comes from Woody Allen's "Manhattan". Diane Keaton has been prattling on about all the brilliant people she knows, all of whom she labels "geniuses". To which Woody replies, "You know a lot of geniuses. You should meet some stupid people once
in a while. You could learn something."

I'm going to cut the next twat that describes Lennon as a genius.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Curious incident just happened. I was minding my own business outside the library when a group of girls equipped with cameras came over and asked me and a lass to model the new Man Met clothing range. How silly. I naturally said 'yes' though. I had to perch on a wall uncomfortably close to the Greek girl who works behind the bar at the SU and make it look 'natural'. I fear when (or if) it appears on the catalogue I'm going to look silly. It's all fun though.

I've got work that needs to be handed in today and I'm really struggling to get to grips with it. Hence I am wasting my time writing this Blog. I'll let you know how it goes.

I now own Alan Partridge series 2 on DVD, courtesy of Amo at HMV Liverpool. Me and Ally tried to watch one episode last night, but one turned to four. God it's funny. The bit in which he shouts 'Dan' 17 times across a car park at his new friend (who is obviously ignoring him) cracks me up so badly.

And now Danny Francetti's jazz bar.


Tuesday, March 16, 2004

New York Empty.

When leaving a bar the man knocked over a bottle. He lay sprawled on the floor, finally dragging himself up to knees and then slowly to his feet. He had no recollection of how and why he had ended up in his current situation and surroundings.

However, the need to get home tugged at his brain and more than overcame his impaired motor-neuron ability.

Like ships passing in the night, he lurched past the revellers in the doorway towards the inner-city. Now, in the cold light of day travelling from the grimy city centre to shiny suburbia is an annoyance. For a man like out character it is bordering on the insane; a madhouse promenade.

Insomnia is a curious thing. As far as I can tell it seems to strike you down for no particular reason, and has no regard for what time you need to be up in the morning. Or for what energy-sapping activity you will be required to do the next day. Kind of like like losing your car keys when you need to go somewhere important, but not as stupid. Not being able to sleep can be a blessing though. For example, here I am scribbling my thoughts in a sketch book in a manner I wouldn't dream (no pun intended) of doing whilst Time Team is on. Or Scrapheap Challenge for that matter. But I digress. Being up at this lonely hour makes we wonder who else is having trouble slipping off towards the 'void'. There's a lot of them I reckon. But, seeing as we're in Manchester, they're probably out looking for car stereos with the panels still on them (mate) or fleecing passers-by on the cobbles. No one in a big city doesn't indulge in car crime at some point, it's like going to Bangkok and not getting a prozzie. Over & out, mate.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Last night I watched Leatherface play at the 24/7 in Liverpool. I mean, how many classic songs does one band need? It's not fair. I got to shake the big man's hand, look him in the eye and say "well done".

Mush, an album that Leatherface recorded in 1991, is an ignored classic. It's not often that a punk band can have such poetic clout and musical fire without coming across as contrived, but Leatherface do this with aplomb. In Frankie's song 'Not A Day Goes By' he manages to evoke the yearning involved in a new-born relationship without resorting to cliche or overly-exagerated images.

Taken from the sleeve notes of Mush:

There was a time
When everything was Evergreen
Everygreen and seemingly ideal
Nights turned into days and we didn't notice the change

No I didn't think you were wrong
And I can still sing your favourite song
It's not as simple as forgotten flowers and presents bought
Not a day goes by when I don't spare you a thought

It is truly the mark of a great songwriter when he can take imagery as bleak as an abandoned shipyard, mix it in with the desperation of unemployment in Thatcherite Britain, add a polluted atmosphere and turn it into something romantic and beautiful.

I'm not the originator of this idea, but I reckon a pub fruit machine on wheels could easily win Robot Wars. Easily. Write it down.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Check this. At 24/7 last week I tried to order a double vodka and coke, but the lady servng me proceeded to place three seperate drinks on the bar and charge me £13.40. I explained to her that I had ordered ONE drink in a polite manner, as she had obviously heard me wrong, and she proceeded to give me my change from a tenner for a single drink in 5p pieces. Thanks, nice one etc............

It seems that loads of people have been reading this Blog and figuring out identity of the writer solely from the content. Am I really that idiosyncratic?

I completely disagree with The Guardian (nothing unusual there) about Yoko Ono. She's shit. Never was any cop as a conceptual artist at all. Conceptual art is nothing but an excercise in back-slapping for those born into obscene wealth or trying to get some credibility amongst other limp-wristed intellectuals. It's the same for those twats that wrote wishy-washy political manifestos about the peace movement in the 1960s. Nobody reads 'em. I have just written 3k works on the protests of 1968 so it's on my mind you see.

Another controversial view.......why are the Anti Nazi League so wet? Anti Nazi rallies make me sob in the most wretched way. Don't stand around selling cakes and waving placards, go and beat the shit out of the cunts. I've spoken to people about this before and they usually have two responses;

a) Saying I'm hypocritical because I don't go and beat up Nazis.
b) When you meet violent people with violence it brings you down to their level.

I have no time for either of these views. Anti-fascist protesting ain't my bag and I don't get involved with it, but that doesn't mean I can't critiscise it. I can't play guitar like Brian may but I can still critiscise him, capiche? And as much as violence is a bad thing there are some people who will only understand a cricket bat to the head.

If you want to prove a point, do it properly.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

My momma told me there'd be times like these. There's nothing shaking but the leaves on the trees.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

I'm the victim of an unfortunate, annoying, slightly dehabilitating, common cold. I'm not one to moan, so I'm going to soldier on.

I always think that minor illnesses are as bad as you make them. Keep your mouth shut, get a decent night's sleep, drink lots of water and just get on with things and you'll be fine. Altough I think I'm driving my computer-neighbours mad with none-stop coughing.

My little 'fling' has come to an end. I'm not going to name names, because that would be inconsiderate and everyone knows anyway, but I pulled the plug. That's it, game over. I've had enough. I need someone to love me and look after me, not act as a kind of sex recepticle.

An interesting experience recording at LIPA this weekend. My word, that place is stuffed to the hilt with all manner of posh equipment. When Tony was about to record his guitar the bloke asked what amp we wanted to use, so I jokingly suggested a Marshall stack..........and he proceeded to go and get one. They had a friggin' gong in the corridor outside the studio!!! A GONG!!! I have 'teched' up Silence Is Quiet with bass harmonics. I hope it isn't too much. SIQ is such a beatiful song, one of the Tokyo's best. I don't want to ruin it by turning it into a session-fest.

Over and Out.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I want to talk about the Brian Wilson gig, so that's what I'm going to do. What can I say? I got the 'the man' perform some of the most moving and sophisticated pop music written in the last fifty years.

The gig started with all the band members (and there were a lot) giving acapella reneditions of the early Beach Boys songs, and it was an aural treat. Those boys can't half sing, even if they are pure session. It was funny because the chap singing all Carl's stratospheric falsetto bits was very fat, and seemed to act as a kind of compere for most the evening.

God Only Knows brought a fucking tear to the eye. It's not so much the renedition that was given on that particular night, but just the idea that I was seeing the writer of the best pop song ever written DO IT right in front of me.

I was amazed when the band donned fire helmets and we were subjected to a good 15 minutes worth of the Fire sessions. Wilson famously has kept the original recordings of this music under lock and key, fearing that he had tapped into some kind of mystical dark force. I can see why. I thought at one point it was going to blow my mind and I'd end up cowering in the shitters, but I got through it in one piece.

Kingmaker, for those who don't know, were an indie band from Hull who released their seminal album in 1992. I currently have an obsession with them, but I can't explain why. They're not a particularly good band, but I just find the whole long-lost indie band thing fascinating. It's almost like a part of history that is so recent it's still within reach. Maybe it's because I have an older sister who was a follwer of that music at the time, but I just don't know.

Kingmaker's lyrics are very, very austere. Kind of the lyrics anyone would write if they lived in Hull during deepest darkest Tory rule (ooops, I said I wouldn't talk about politics). Loz Hardy, the singer, went on to write songs for Elastica. Most of the band now work in retail. Such is life.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

I don't want this Blog to turn into a rant about music, politics and conceptualisation. Mainly because it's boring and pretentious, but also I don't know what I'm talking about.

My sweating problem is driving me round the twist. Within minutes of me putting on a garment the underarm area is saturated with perspiration. Not only is this a source of shame on my part, but it's also expensive. I'm currently getting through T-shirts at a scary rate. I've tried all manner of stain removers but nothing will expunge the white crust from under the arms. I hear white vinegar may work, but I suspect I am being blagged.

Portillo is a queer.

How did we survive without mobile phones? Five years ago I would NOT have guessed that today I would have one. Where can we go from here? Are we going to have these damn things for the rest of out natural lives? I can't imagine not having one.

I find it hard to believe that before my friends and I had mobile phones we actually used to SPEAK to each other (God forbid.....).

Okay, lets talk about compilation tapes. It a skill making a comp for someone, but yields such rewards. It's like giving them one of your old sketch books or some baby photos. There are various rules for making compilation tapes, but I tend to ignore these like the plague. I always sidestep the rule of not having the same artist featured on the same tape more than one. That's a particularly daft one. It's like saying that you cannot have the same meal twice in one week. The second one is to include a running order of the artists and song titles you have featured on the tape. Again, I have no time for this. Telling people who a particular artist can make them judge a track before they have heard, and it ruin the element of suprise. If they like the artist in question enough they will use their own gumption to ask who it is. When this happens, you know your comp has been listened to and chewed over.

I get annoyed that I have managed to reach the age of 22 without being able to puncuate properly. My vocab isn't too bad, and my spelling is better than most, but I'm still completely flummoxed when it comes to : ; ( ) and ". What do they mean and how are they used? What's more I got three A-grades for English in school. So there.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Can blind people be racist? It makes no sense.

I notice Coca Cola have brought what basically amounts to glorified tap water onto the market for £1 a bottle. I tell you, there is a fortune to be made in selling budget bottled tap water. Make no bones about the low quality of the water, bottle it, and sell it for 10p a go. Whoever does this will be loaded. Write it down.

There was a rather disturbing program about drunken violence in Britain last night. God it really makes me not want to go out. Every weekend A and E departments are clogged up with people that have been punched, bottled, glassed and generally injured in drunken attacks. Part of me wants to loathe the people that do this stuff, but at the end of the day I know they're not bad people. It's just par for the course in a society where alcohol acts as a social lubricant. I guess that's what A and E departments are for.

Eric Satie. Now there is a man who knew how to write music. I've had his album on my stereo for days now, and it continually blows my mind. So simple and yet so completely competently written. I can't get my head round how what he plays on the piano is so simple, yet it all amounts to a completely moving and thought out piece of work. It's a shame I was introduced to his work by a TV advert, but such is the media age that we live in.

Speaking of the media..................

This stuff about asylum seekers is doing my head in. I mean, for fuck's sake, how much can you over-blow a situation. Bollocks is this country too soft. It makes me laugh when people say that they're going to emigrate if Britain lets in any more asylum seekers. They're not happy about people coming into 'our' country and taking 'our' jobs, so THEY'RE going to move to another country and take THEIR jobs. I mean..........it's the same with all this crap about prisons being too soft. I'd love to see the people that say this stuff spend a year in prison and then claim that they had it easy. How is being locked up in a building for years at a time, with no contact with loved ones or family, being forced to eat and sleep when asked, and never being able to lose the stigma about having done time 'soft'? What do these people want, a punishment battalion? Actually they probably do.......

The Rainbow Project. Crazy stuff. It's a conspiracy theory, but an interesting one. It seems that in 1943 the US Navy attempted to make the USS Eldridge not only invisible to enemy radar to but invisible to the naked eye. This involved using huge generators to heat up the air around the ship, thus creating a mirage and hiding it from the naked eye. Now here comes the interesting bit..........(taken from abovetopsecret.com).......

"The most interesting theory about the Philadelphia Experiment is that the destroyer did in fact disappear and was teleported across space and time. Supposedly, there was a great number of ingenious scientists (including Tesla and Einstein) that were taking part in the experiment. However, Nikola Tesla was supposed to dead at the time of the Naval experiment.

The theory is that light has to be bent around the ship to make it invisible. To accomplish this, the Navy wrapped the ship's circumference in wire and passed a measured current through it. This caused a huge oscillating magnet to form a magnetic field around the ship, not only bending the light, but space and time as well. The physics of the experiment are reminiscent of Einstein's Unified Field Theory that once you bend light, you are also unwittingly bending space and time as well.

The first time this experiment was undertaken, the ship didn't completely disappear, and an imprint of the hull could be seen sitting in the water. The second time, the ship totally disappeared in a green fog and was sighted in Norfolk, Virginia.

A haunting fact is that when the ship reappeared, the crew were all in a state of disorientation. Some were mentally ill, while other crewmen didn't even return. There were also crewmen that returned embedded in the hull. Later accounts arose about the crewmen, including a former crew member who was involved in a bar fight, and all the participants froze in time, as reported by a local newspaper! There were also accounts of people who were on the ship, spontaneously combusting."

One to think about.

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