Friday, February 10, 2006

I'm going to have to think deeply about whether I want to carry on doing this. I was engaging my usual rant about how much I hate Myspace when someone pointed out that having a web log is perhaps even sadder and MORE EGOTISTICAL than having a Myspace page.

They're right.

The thing that bugs me most about Myspace is that nobody I have spoken to knows why they have one! I use this Blog as a form of venting, to jettison to the things that irritate me and grind me down. So it DOES have a function.

Why do people put their photos up there? For fuck's sake. Maybe I'm lucky in that don't consider myself so insecure that I need an advert for myself!

The whole idea of Myspace makes me feel sick. and I will dedicate the rest of my cyber-life to destroying it.


Tuesday, May 04, 2004

This Blog has turned into a bit of a job to maintain, so I'm sacking it off.

Friday, April 23, 2004

This Blog WILL be updated soon. I promise. I've not forgotten about it.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

I am a sex addict. I can't get enough. I eat, sleep, drink and think pussy. I want to fuck the tits of any girl I meet.

I was abused by my father Irwin from the age of four. I do it with any woman who takes and interest in me in any place imaginable. I live for the buzz you see.

Sailers see waves
Miners dig graves
Pretty girls wear skirts
Boys eat dirt

There's a chap I work with who makes me uncomfortable. He's much taller than me and well built, and has the habit of standing toe-to-toe when he's talking to you. So you're foced to look up at him. He's very eager to shake hands and touch yer shoulders; a very "HEY, HOW ARE YOU?" kind of guy.

Me and the assistant manager have had a long-running joke that he is a potential rapist owing to his sleazy nature. Looks like the joke is on us. He confided in another member of staff that he is being investigated for rape......of one of his girl students (he's a teacher also). He also held a shotgun to his son's head. That's ex-army for you.

Friday, April 09, 2004

They tossed the bottle towards the waves and hoped for the best. But they both knew that, by God, it was at best a long shot. A drop in the ocean's chance of being found by someone able or humane enough to alleviate their plight.

It was a stupid idea in the first place. Launching a catamaran from Formby beach, a vessel comprised mostly of orange crates and duct tape, is asking for trouble. Some twat had even had the nerve to daub 'Sunshine & Glory' on the front in garish yellow.

Their first week stranded wasn't too troubling. To be honest, it seemed like more of a novelty; like that feeling when you're on the way to work and your train breaks down. It's not entirely pleasant being trapped with the other passengers, but it's quite nice that you're not going to have to work today and you're not to blame for once......

The worry of collecting work keys, buying papers, charging Nokias and scrubbing doorsteps soon subsided into a wholesome desire to survive.

They didn't even know where they were. I mean, they knew they were trapped on a small island festooned with crisp packets and used condoms, but WHERE WERE THEY? Amongst the group of castaways speculation ranged from the Manchester Ship Canal to the Algarve. This of course begged the question of whether this new and littered land had seen human contact before. Would they be remembered as explorers, or even heroes?

Time dragged on. The grave nature and slaggish absurdity of their predicament began to bear down upon them. Food was a constant worry. Not knowing the situation they would end up in, provisions were somewhat of an afterthought. The gang had been surviving by eating a strange moss that someone found growing on a bicycle frame; it was causing uncontrollable mania and funny tugging sensations in the brain. To our gang it danced across the pallet like a true friend & companion.

Weeks turned to months. Daftness held sway. They were now suffering from an unnamed babbling, foaming insanity that turned even the most mundane task into a teeth-gnawing adventure. One of the team banged his funny bone trying to hoist the jib from a ship out of the waves. The ensuing display of indiscriminate aggression scars the landscape to this day. Imagine Mike Tyson with his balls wedged in the workings of a gearbox. On second thoughts don't. Too late.

Then it happened. The previously dispatched bottle, now a month at sea, had ended up in the garden of an old biddy living on the Norfolk broads. Her son had found it whilst chasing an eel. For reasons unexplained to this day he took it to his teacher who proclaimed the missive contained within to be a genuine SOS. The teacher knew what to do. She was an old hand at contacting water-based rescue services; her dog Pansy had been swept away in the Severn Bore some years before. These coast guard men are shit-hot.

Within days a seaplane was vaguely following a search pattern of the west coast. Fat good that did. Turns out the stupid buggers lost at sea were actually somewhere in the middle of the Wash, where a famous king supposedly lost a bit of treasure many years ago. From Formby they had drifted south and gone right at Cornwall. They passed Truro and drifted further east towards Hove. Upon reaching Dover a transcontinental thrust had boosted them north towards Walberswick and inland towards the Wash.


Wednesday, April 07, 2004

It started happening in August 1993. I was working at an orange juice factory at the time, and this involved getting the 7:32am train from Runcorn West to Ellesmere Port.

I first noticed her two weeks into the job. She always stood at the exact same location on the platform, day in and day out. At first I thought nothing of it; she obviously had a job that required getting the same train as me on the same days of the week. Nothing unusual there. But you know when someone piques your interest for no particular reason? It was one of them.

I had the desire to approach her and find out her story. But I had to find a way to do it without appearing to be a lunatic. It wasn't sexual attraction. It was deeper than that. It's like when you're on the tenth pint and feel somehow 'bonded' with which ever poor sap you have been wittering at for the last three hours. And anyway, it was getting weird. It's like when you get a lift to a very high floor and there's another occupant in there. The longer you confined together the more tense it feels. Someone needs to say something but nobody does.

So one day it happened; I strolled up and asked her for a light. I didn't even smoke at the time, so it's lucky she didn't have one. I asked her where she goes at such an obscene time of the morning, and she replied by telling me that her mother was in the process of being wiped out by head cancer. The visiting hours at Leighton Hospital dictated that an early train was necessary.

Naturally, she reciprocated the original question back to me. It seemed feeble to tell her the real reason for my early travels, so in the spirit of trying to impress I told her I was a mortician.

Maybe it can be blamed on the dormant parts of the human brain, but this was the wrong thing to say. God only knows why I blabbed it out. I could have told her anything; a milkman, a car salesman, a miner. But no. A mortician. A mortician.

I would have loved to have brought some levity to the situation, but small-talk is not my forte. A mortician.

Disclaimer; this is not about me. I made it up. I used local places because I like the names.

Geoff is retired. But he feels cheated. He has been driving taxis, on and off, for forty years now. He started off in the early sixties with a Wolseley Sovereign but got rid of it when the oil seal on a wheel hub went. He remembers giving Henry Cooper a ride to the Thomas A'Beckett on Old Kent Road circa 1962. Sadly, this was the highlight of his driving career to date. He'd love to say that he once took Ringo Starr to the pictures, or collected Nelson Mandella from Heathrow but none of this is true. The highlight of his driving career, it appears, was taking a second-rate British boxer whose claim to fame was being chinned by Muhammad Ali to a gym full of criminals.

For a brief period in the seventies he toyed with the idea of becoming involved in rally driving, but despite his vast road experience he found that his skill did not translate well to the world of gravel tracks and pitch black icy roads. And his co-driver proved somewhat stupid. Slowly the notion of driving superstardom turned into a more obtainable but less lucrative one of running his own firm. Taxi firm that is.

The firm still runs to this day, but it never seemed to provide the security Geoff required. Despite running for twenty years, his drivers still call him names and turn up late. One even put dust in his coffee. He has tried both the carrot and the stick approach, but both are met with scorn. It was his secret hope that his firm would pay the way for his family when, as happened last week, he retired. All he asked for in exchange for his graft was enough money to eat, travel, heat his home and send his kids to school. Whilst he met these targets, it would be a lie to say that his life of work has lined his pockets.

It seems so unfair to Geoff. Footballers are payed much more than him for poncing around with fashionable haircuts for a few minutes a week. City gents spend all day on the phone and earn hundreds of thousands per year. Plumbers bend pipes and get £15 per hour.

Geoff knows that the way he feels is part & parcel of life in Britain, but it doesn't make him feel any better.

Monday, April 05, 2004

We rubbed shoulders with the rich and famous. Dylan, Wilson, Pastorius and Tyson were there. It was the first time I had properly smoked marijuana. I laughed I laughed I laughed I laughed. Someone set off I firecracker in the hall and I thought one of the other guys had been shot. They brought us cripples, some really bad Minamata victims. It was sad, very sad. It's not that I don't feel for cripples, but what can I do about it?

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